Just Thinking.

I just have to say....that i don't want to get a job. I like being at home with the kids, I like having the freedom to almost do what I want when I want. I love being able to take a nap almost anytime, and to eat whenever I want. And to not have to ask to take bathroom breaks. I like wearing whatever I want. I love this freedom. I love being able to take my time to get over my anxiety. Unfortunately this all isn't fair to Drew, he works his ass off and I do most of the at home stuff. So I'm trying to find a job. And it sucks knowing all my freedom is going to be gone. Well, most of it. And it's going to be more of a struggle to get over my anxiety. Oh well. That's life. I pray to God that my daughter does'nt have anxiety. It's fucking horrible. It's a nightmare. I have spent so many days when i was younger thinking that death would be so much better than the hell that I was living. I know that most people may not understand exactly what anxiety is, or how bad it can get, but let me tell you, I wouldn't wish that shit on my worst enemy. I'm doing alot to better myself and get better. It's really hard. It's pretty much a shitty way of looking at life and a million bad habbits. Think about some bad habbits you may have, like smoking. My panic attacks are like fucking puffing on a ciggarette. It's really hard to change like 10 behavior habits that you've had for most of your life. It sucks. Sometimes i just want to turn my thoughts off. One of the things I'm supposed to do in my program is with every negative comment or thought im supposed to find a positive comment or thought to go against it. It's easy, until its only 11:00 in the morning and you're on the 20th negative thought. And worrying like crazy about everything. I know, I'm only 22 what's there to worry about? I worry about motherfucking everything, money, illnesses, diseases, germs, cleanliness, time, chores, everything that I'm afraid of i worry about. I don't know why i felt the need to get this all out, It's really hard to go through this and not have alot of people who understand exactly what you're going through. It sucks. Anyways, all this negative stuff aside...

Skyy comes home tomorrow. It's been weird without her here...a little more relaxed because when Nevaeh is asleep i can relax and do nothing. But yeah...we get to go grocery shopping in a day or 2. Hooray! I love to cook... Well i should probly go to bed. peace out.