RIP Grace.

I don't exactly know who Grace is, but some people i know know her, She got seperated from her friends, last night at Steamboat, im not sure where that is exactly but it's a place to skii. Anyways she was 23 and they found her dead this morning, and they won't say how they died yet. It's so sad tho. It makes me scared to do things like go skiing, that could happen to anyone. It's really sad, and it makes me think about how short life is and to live in the moment, and really live life the fullest. I'm sorry to everyone that is suffering the loss of Grace, you're all in my prayers. RIP.

Drew is snoring.

loudly. I am watching the George Lopez show, which i think is'nt that great. But anyways...i want to get my hair highlighted. and i want a tattoo. im so bored. im so tired my head hurts but i sitll stay up. okay im going to bed now...i might hang out with Joey and Heather tomorrow, and Drew too if he will come. were gonna play the wii. woohoo. Heather hurt her shoulder playing the wii. lol ahhh. i love my new Yoga dvd. its so relaxing. okay peace out.

Just Thinking.

I just have to say....that i don't want to get a job. I like being at home with the kids, I like having the freedom to almost do what I want when I want. I love being able to take a nap almost anytime, and to eat whenever I want. And to not have to ask to take bathroom breaks. I like wearing whatever I want. I love this freedom. I love being able to take my time to get over my anxiety. Unfortunately this all isn't fair to Drew, he works his ass off and I do most of the at home stuff. So I'm trying to find a job. And it sucks knowing all my freedom is going to be gone. Well, most of it. And it's going to be more of a struggle to get over my anxiety. Oh well. That's life. I pray to God that my daughter does'nt have anxiety. It's fucking horrible. It's a nightmare. I have spent so many days when i was younger thinking that death would be so much better than the hell that I was living. I know that most people may not understand exactly what anxiety is, or how bad it can get, but let me tell you, I wouldn't wish that shit on my worst enemy. I'm doing alot to better myself and get better. It's really hard. It's pretty much a shitty way of looking at life and a million bad habbits. Think about some bad habbits you may have, like smoking. My panic attacks are like fucking puffing on a ciggarette. It's really hard to change like 10 behavior habits that you've had for most of your life. It sucks. Sometimes i just want to turn my thoughts off. One of the things I'm supposed to do in my program is with every negative comment or thought im supposed to find a positive comment or thought to go against it. It's easy, until its only 11:00 in the morning and you're on the 20th negative thought. And worrying like crazy about everything. I know, I'm only 22 what's there to worry about? I worry about motherfucking everything, money, illnesses, diseases, germs, cleanliness, time, chores, everything that I'm afraid of i worry about. I don't know why i felt the need to get this all out, It's really hard to go through this and not have alot of people who understand exactly what you're going through. It sucks. Anyways, all this negative stuff aside...

Skyy comes home tomorrow. It's been weird without her here...a little more relaxed because when Nevaeh is asleep i can relax and do nothing. But yeah...we get to go grocery shopping in a day or 2. Hooray! I love to cook... Well i should probly go to bed. peace out.

Copying Jen

Well i could'nt think of what to blog about so i decided to put my New Years Resolutions and goals for this year.

.I'm going to exercise almost every day for at least 30 minutes. no matter what the exercise is, as long as im doing something active.

.I'm going to work on being more positive. I can be very negative, and i tend to worry and just ruin my own good mood for silly things. So i want to focus on enjoying the precious present moment.

.Start my program over again. It's for anxiety and depression and i already went through it once, but they say you should do it twice. I'll do it as many times as it takes to make myself a better and happier person.

.I want to give up control of everything. I am extremely controlling and have to know and be involved and have a say in EVERYTHING. It is def. something that i need to work on, it only stresses me out, causes me anxiety and depression, and upsets everyone else.

.I want to work on my anger problem. I let too much get me too upset. Which is extremely bad for your health not to mention a horrible habbit that upsets everyone else.

.The last one, is to work on not being such a procrastinator. Enough said about that one...

Anyways...I am super bored, i just made spaghetti and corn for dinner. YumYum. Nevaeh is napping, she just got her second tooth poking through today...yay! Our bathroom drain is stupid...it drains too slow, Drew tried to fix it and now its worse! I finally spent all my Christmas money today, except like 15 bucks. which i figure i might as well save it. It was nice to get things i needed, i got 3 pairs of pants and other clothes, an mp3 player, makeup, more clothes...tons of stuff. oh my gosh im bored. Drew is with Chris hanging out so im watching Rush Hour. I love this movie. okay im going to finish eating.